Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you


Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”


I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.


Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn


Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE


she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay


*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?


wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?


Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”