Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.