@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

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@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

@PastorBate

I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.

@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

@jctwritesstuff

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad


me: it needs a belt right?

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”