Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
You Might Also Like
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out