[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.