Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.