@Bob_Janke: Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she's famous. Paris Hilton doesn't realize that ISIS didn't exist in 2004.
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@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@TweetsByKaylee: [getting pulled over] me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer? cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive me: oh I’m sorry cop: I’ll let you off with a warning me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth* cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
@Timmsmiff: "sir we don't hire people to be mannequins" Me:*strikes mannequin pose* "No, sir we don-" M:*new pose* [under breath] "damn this guys good"
@3sunzzz: The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.