Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Body by Oreos
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
But I really needed water water water
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Ok but actually