Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Just a reminder, folks:
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what