Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
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Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
I hate “two-faced” people.
It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Date: Do u have any allergies?
Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry
D: That’s an unusual reaction
M: They could’ve been wine!!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?