Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

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Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.


I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.


Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.


Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.


Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.


I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.


me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated