Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
so much to do
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene