@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

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@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@CafeinatedBacon

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@copymama

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

@jonnysun

there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash