@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

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@decentbirthday

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

@lovemydogduck

I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

@RunOldMan

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

@duplicitron

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

@EndhooS

Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff

@TheHatStore

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

@Mostly_Cheese

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.