I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”