Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Who did it better?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
File under excellent bookstore names.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.