Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*sewing*
A thread
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.