ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Yay it’s payday!
That was short lived.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?