@thetits

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

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@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@beedubyah1

It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face

@JessObsess

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?