PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus