If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Britain be like
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline