Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”
Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.