@DrScienceCat

Parking advice

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@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

@RodLacroix

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@JohnFugelsang

Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.