@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

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@EndhooS

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@carlyken

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@simoncholland

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@tiemespankme

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young