[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
motivation
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich