[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.