5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS