Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You Might Also Like
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Him: I hope you die a slow painful death
Me: oh, no I’m not married
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?