@JasonLastname

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

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@TheToddWilliams

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@DennisLWeaver

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?