@JasonLastname

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

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@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@lifecoachfit

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death

Me: oh, no I’m not married

@Brampersandon_

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@Gupton68

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@IntrepidDeviant

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?