Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

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Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun


[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that


Him: I hope you die a slow painful death

Me: oh, no I’m not married


ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser


ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G


Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.


Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.


Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?