@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

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@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

@MarfSalvador

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@mariokeyparty

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.