Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”