Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Women call it a secret sixth sense, men call it paranoia.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.