Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
yall want some gasoline milk
Steam Forums
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]