@better_off_dad

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

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@hippieswordfish

*she leans in close*
‘kyle, what’s your wildest fantasy?’

*i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*

@AnniemuMary

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@BigJDubz

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@SortaBad

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

@iwearaonesie

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

@DaddyNick

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”

@MrsMikePatton

New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.