*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

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*she leans in close*
‘kyle, what’s your wildest fantasy?’

*i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*


Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.


[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money


Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?


[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?


Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done


mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice


Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting


“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”


New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.