*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
What number SPF blocks people?
BaD BoY!!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up