Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
You Might Also Like
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?