[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Um … Hot Wings please
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars