PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?


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I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.


[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story


Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.


(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*


Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?


Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.


[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”


I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.


Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then


7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape?

And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like