[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]