[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I have so many questions.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese