Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
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Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.
Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!