Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
And then there were 4
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
every college guy’s fridge
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.