Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
NASA has no chill
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.