Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You Might Also Like
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.