Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You Might Also Like
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.