Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

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People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.


How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire


doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.


Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?


I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.


Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.


Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.


Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.