Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
when u come home smelling like another dog
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.