@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

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@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@beefman138

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@imteddybless

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@TitaniumToplass

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

@Mr_Kapowski

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke