I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too