a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
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stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
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