PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin


stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”


[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah


Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.


I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax


A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.


T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.


Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.