PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
this is me
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE