PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

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[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


[Parent-Teacher Conference]

Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away

Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!


The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.


When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.


Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.


I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.