Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
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“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.