Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here