PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.
“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while