Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]
Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or…1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Give me your water, Human!