C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate