Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.