Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
fixed it