@hippieswordfish

[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare

hitler: dare

teen: dare you to invade poland

hitler: omg no way u guys

all the teens: DO IT DO IT

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@KateWhineHall

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@Vhalechark

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@SwanieChicken

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!