[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare

hitler: dare

teen: dare you to invade poland

hitler: omg no way u guys

all the teens: DO IT DO IT

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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes


My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”


Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?


Me: Omelette you eat now


Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.


son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS


wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR



Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.


girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler


Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice