The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Party Questions by age
1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?
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HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
knights of the ikea table
date: im really into old movies
me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
GOD: you keep saying that word
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?