In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.