@OohSnapItsChris

Party Questions by age

1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?

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@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”

@Cpin42

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

@heybuddy_comic

date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago

@HelloCullen

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?