Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
fired
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?