Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“What?”
– Jude
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!