[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My god she’s good.