@ArfMeasures

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

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@SkunkFarts

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

@FeralFerrell

*coughing on my lunch break*

Don’t worry y’all it’s quinoa not covid!

@HatfieldAnne

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

@MattOswaltVA

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@fightforfood

Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today