me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Saturday
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.