Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
You Might Also Like
*coughing on my lunch break*
Don’t worry y’all it’s quinoa not covid!
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today