[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You Might Also Like
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?