[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!