@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

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@SaltyCorpse

You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…

@Mr_Kapowski

Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption

@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@aotakeo

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@BigJDubz

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

@Lisabug74

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.