[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat