[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.